September Book Review - Big Friendship

How we Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman

*Disclaimer - This post is in no way sponsored by the Book of the Month subscription box. I have shared my referral code below if you would like to check out Book of the Month for yourself, but I will not receive any money if you sign up for the service*

Hello my readers! I am sorry that this post is coming out a little later than I had stated it would, it took me a little bit longer to finish this book than I had expected. Tomorrow I will be announcing my October book of the month and then we will be back on schedule. I appreciate your patience with this delay. Now on to the review!

This month I decided to read a book that is half memoir and half self-help. I typically do not read memoirs or self-help books. I struggle reading memoirs because I tend to see myself as a lesser person for not having equally difficult struggles as others have experienced. As for self-help books, I usually find that the author has such a narrow focus that I cannot find ways to implement their advice into my life without doing a complete overhaul of my life. However, my best friend has recently moved back to our home state, so I was excited to read this specific book, and I began reading it with the intention of learning tips on how to strengthen our friendship now that we are both far into adulthood.

Big Friendship by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman was a book I chose through my Book of the Month subscription box. I love having this subscription box because it has been pushing me to choose books that I would not normally buy. I am so glad I read this book because it did teach me a lot as I read it. I learned about my personal views on my friendships and discovered some of the ways was potentially neglecting them, (especially over the last few months with COVID-19 forcing us to social distance.) This book follows the friendship that Sow and Friendman have shared over the last decade and the different milestones that friendship has gone through; such as living apart, career changes, health complications, and relationship evolvement. This book is written with the goal of not just helping readers maintain the friendships they are already in, but how to help foster and protect new friendships as well. 

Favorite Quote:

"What's incredible about friendship is that it allows you to be non-exclusively immersed in another person's reality, to be intimately known by someone in a way that's separated from the whim of sexual desire and the constraints of family" pg 185.

Thing That I Liked

The first thing that I enjoyed about this book was the personal stories that the authors included to show concrete examples of the tips they shared about friendship. From the memories they shared about the "spark" that started their friendship to the story about the spa weekend they went on that brought to light the divide they had experience in their friendship. In addition to the personal experiences, there was scientifically-backed research from experts included as well, giving credibility to what the authors were sharing. Research shared included how much time needs to be spent with another person to progress a friendship, as well as the science behind why many friendships falter as we get older. The stories and research shared together, drove home the tips and suggestions shared not only because they sounded good, but because they demonstrated the validity of the application, giving weight to the tips and suggestions themselves. 

The next thing I liked about this was that while it was a shorter read, each chapter had a theme, and presented each theme in a way where it did not feel like anything was missing or left out. They included supports to their themes by giving specific stories and research examples (as mentioned above) and each subsequent chapter built upon the ideas presented in the previous chapter or chapters. The arrangement of the themes followed the progression of friendships, from the initial meeting, the growth, and finally, the struggles and maintenance needed to make sure these relationships continue. 

Finally, the last thing I liked, and if I'm honest the thing that I loved about this book, was that the authors were constantly mentioning that not all friendships will look alike. They made sure to acknowledge that not all friendships may take the same steps in the same order, but it is likely that all friendships will go through versions of similar events at one time or another. I appreciated this because in other self-help books I have read, the authors make assumptions that everyone will go through the same struggles in the same order or that the readers should model their process and actions explicitly in order to get the same results. The recognition that not all friendships look the same was a refreshing attitude the authors took, as well as the fact that they took time to mention this several times throughout the book. By acknowledging that all friendships are different repeatedly I felt recognized by the author's as well as validated in the fact that while my friendships might not be exactly like Sow and Friedmans', they are still valid friendships.

Things That I Didn't Like

The first thing that comes to mind for the things that I didn't like about this book was Chapter 7. Chapter 7, titled The Trapdoor, is a chapter that examines the way that race or nationality factors into friendship. They do make a statement that "Not all interracial relationships involve a Balck person and a white person" (pg 118). While this seemed like the standard acknowledgment that all friendships are different, it assumed that everyone is involved in an interracial friendship. The chapter went downhill from there for me. The part that ultimately did me in was this quote; " If you're a white person and your weekend trips, baby showers, and dinner parties are all-white affairs, this signals things to your Black friends" (pg 121). This chapter makes it sound like you should have a Black friend (or a friend of a different race/nationality) and that if you don't, there is a problem. I felt this chapter had some great things to say, sharing that we should not expect our friends of other races or nationalities to be the ones to teach us about the inequalities and how to be sensitive to their unique experiences. However, the way the authors went about it made me feel guilty for not having a close friend of a different race or nationality. I live in a very white-centric area, I had a few friends in high school that were non-white, however, we grew apart after high school ended, and I do not see anything wrong with that. I do not go out of my way to only have white friends, but I also do not get many opportunities to make non-white friends during my day to day life. This chapter almost made me leave this book unfinished. I am glad that I did finish it, but this is a chapter that I think could have been written differently to not make white readers like myself feel like we have done something wrong by living in a place where we do not have as many opportunities to make non-white friends.

The next thing that I did not like was the constant switching of voice from a 3rd person to the combined 1st person (using the 'we' voice). While this choice made sense for the way that the information was presented in the book, it wasn't a choice I liked. It made it hard to get into the book at the beginning, and it also made it hard to follow who was sharing and when. I found myself referencing back several times to remember who's story was being shared in the beginning. I personally prefer when there is only one perspective used in a book, and I think they could have stuck with the third person the whole way through and the information and ideas presented would have been just as powerful and impactful as it was with the switching perspective that the authors chose to use.

The last thing I did not like was that the timeline in the stories shared was hard to follow. I believe that events were presented in chronological order, but they did not share dates of when the stories were happening, only the situations around the stories. It's possible if I was an avid listener of their podcast the time-line might have been more clear, which would help place the order of events. I don't think that the addition of calendar dates for the personal stories would have detracted at all from what they were saying, and in fact, it might have gone on to support the cycles of change that occur in friendships that they were trying to highlight with the organization style that they chose to present the information in.

Over-all Rating

Overall I would give this a 4 out of 5. I think that overall the information presented is powerful and is useful for anyone interested in learning about friendship and how to strengthen them. I also think this could be a good book for anyone interested in doing a self-inventory of their views on friendship. It has given me personally a lot to think about as I continue to maintain my long time friendship with my friend who has just moved home, as well as ways to help continue to grow the new friendships I have been forming over the last few years. 

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